indifference about apathy

I'm already angry, then I find myself getting angrier than I'm angry in the first place. Anger displays care and emotion for a specific subject or event.

I'm also angry that I'm impartial to the subject or event and that there's a large chunk of me that just doesn't give a shit if the subject or event is ever resolved.

I'm angry because I can't figure out how I should feel about this though ironically, when I think of this I'm angrier that I'm attempting to figure this bullshit out.

Why care if you aren't sure if you should care or even if you do care? It's probably just second-nature however it's so much harder to care than it is to not care.

To not care means you don't have to feel the pain or sadness or related emotions to the event or subject. You can sleep easier, have less to worry/think about and smile more often.

When you do care it's constantly in the back of your mind; how you can fix it, what you should/could say, when you should/could say it. You care because there's love or something similar to the emotion of love involved. Even if it's the love of money that was lost, you still love what was lost, destroyed or scrambled.

It will keep you up at night, trying to figure out how you feel, but you must remember that not everything is black and white and sometimes... maybe it's okay to care and be angry that you care, then to revert to not caring in spite then become angry again that you can be so cold-hearted, then switch again to caring because of how badly you felt for not caring.

Everything's connected, right? This is just another example of the circles and patterns found through out the universe.

Or I'm just fucking nuts and the meds aren't working.