Friday, April 3, 2009

i has a bubble

Subway is my default, go-to lunch when I forget to pack one.
I don't know WHAT was going on, but I can only assume that of the two sammichers that were working today, one is a total douche.

During the noon to one lunch rush, I stood patiently awaiting my foot long fantasy. I stood behind a woman who turned around and smiled at me. I genuinely smiled back as we shared that moment of "Mmmm... we're about to get our sub on." The line inched forward slowly and as the douche, or man, was adding cheese to the polite woman's six inch wheat sammich, he walks away. The douch, or man, and the older woman working had been exchanging words. Words that I was ignoring.

I should have paid attention. The man was gone for nearly ten minutes while that poor, flat, little wheat sammich laid cold on it's wax paper bed. The woman feverishly rang up the two customers in front of us and ran back to the abandoned sammich, apologizing for our wait, or weight. Skinny broad...

The man returns and washes his hands. The woman bitched him out as I chuckled softly yet loud enough to be heard within earshot. He may have bowel problems or is still pissing out last night's alcohol, though no excuse is acceptable to abandon an order like he did.

Now, while all of this is going on, I'm standing by the beginning of the first glass case. An older gentleman, probably near 55 or 60, continually shuffled closer to me. I shuffled myself a little further down. He shuffles closer yet again. I do this two more times as does he. I still don't understand why he felt the need to so eagerly stare at the meat and cheese selections, as though he had never seen such an array of the same, stale flavors Subway has had since it's debut.

At this point I've lost my patience (which doesn't take long... it took perhaps 2-3 minutes). I turn my head to the old bastard and snapped, "Jesus CHRIST, do you drive like that, too!? Back off!"

With out even making eye contact with me, he shuffled his decrepid ass backwards and continued to stare into the plain of slaughtered delights.
I really do try to avoid having to snap at strangers, but it usually ends up the same. I huff and attempt to show them the error of their ways, like a rattlesnake hissing and... uh... rattling. And after a few moments of unacknowledgement, I break like a tree branch....... and stab them. Proverbially speaking, of course.

8 comments:

The Patron Saint Of Mediocrity said...

Ah, cary, you make me giggle. Great story. Do you really snap on random people? If so, you are my hero.

cary said...

I'm pleased you also find the odd luck I find as amusing as I do, and yes, I do snap at strangers. From the teenager at Kohl's with a staring problem, the immigrants at Wal-Mart making sexual remarks in Spanish that I'm acquainted with or the bitch in the black SUV at Kroger who did NOT need to ride my ass through the parking lot.

Guillermo de la Varner said...

Honey, sweetie, darlin', baby, deary, sugarbutt, whatever. You need to calm your ass down at least two notches. After reading this entry I envision a woman who spits acid and breathes mace. Maybe the old fuck wanted to look down your shirt, maybe he hearts the coldcuts, and maybe he doesn't have personal boundaries, but to hiss with the disdain of a rattlesnake with hemeroids is a bit over the top. Try weed, try yoga, try punching walls for christ sake, at this rate, you will get into a losing knife fight with a passionate latina(who will obviously have more skill due to the heritage). Exorcise this hate, rape a bum if you must, kill people in video games, run around the block before you enter society on a daily basis. At this rate you will age in dog years holding dearly to whatever vendetta you have. Of course I could be wrong.

Organic Meatbag said...

Cary, whatever Guillermo says, always do the opposite, just like you would with the Bible... I say yell away, and gooood for you to snap on the old dude...he might have been coming up to cop a feel...I know this because elderly Muslim women do it to me all of the time... yeah sure, they are tightly wrapped in their traditional garb and they cover their faces in an almost comical fashion (as if it was really Jerry Lewis trying to go "undercover"), but in the end, they like grab-assing as much as anybody...you and I might be two of the only Subway faithful left, and believe me, anybody that can stick with them through all of the commercials with that androgynous, fat masturbating wonder Jared is truly to be rewarded in the afterlife...at least, that is what I am hoping for...

cary said...

I like to envision myself as a sweet, caring, sympathetic individual who stands up for herself and what she believes in. Aaaaand then again others may see it as abrasive and aggressive and possibly unnecessary.
I think it's important to represent your own ideals and morals. Especially since the latter doesn't tend to exist much in public society. Or at least in the general public, such as your local Subway sammich shop.

Guillermo de la Varner said...

Well, I believe I am a good catholic boy, accept I don't believe in God and I think religion is a corrupt business.

cary said...

I thought that is what most good Christians were like...

Guillermo de la Varner said...

Good christians are in the Klan and do not accept those that differ in belief. I haven't reached the master level of hypocrisy yet.